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Smells Like Rap

by Simon Panrucker

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1.
Once in a while I get down and let sounds Take over my limbs and make me swing round, Once in a while I sit still and just chill I wait and meditate - I've time to kill, Once in a while I get hot, the sweat drops And drips from my pits, I smell like a pet shop, Once in a while I get cold, like "What's this? My cock is the size of a fly's proboscis!" Once in a while I'm over the moon, Loony grin pinned on like I'm in a cartoon, Once in a while I'm down and I'm glum, I frown and I grunt like a pig or stig of the dump, Once in a while I'm not hungry at all, I couldn't eat a pea coz my tummy's too small, Once in a while I eat so much cake I feel filled to the gills but I still wanna bake, Once in a while I make a noise so soft You might say "what was that, has an ant just coughed?" Once in a while I shout so damn loud You could hear me cheer from up near the clouds, Once in a while I'm so straight laced and sober I daren't taste my soda in case there's a trace of coca cola, Once in a while I get so drunk I blow chunks And it's a shame coz chunks is my dog's name, Once in a while I can't do anything right, it's never my night, I'm really out of luck, aw shucks, Once in a while I really come up trumps and I'm appalled, Coz trumps is what my other dog's called, Once in a while, Once in a while, In a while, Once in a while, Once in a while I feel at peace, mind at ease, Like a blue sky in July with barely a breeze, Once in a while I'm so cluttered I'm flummoxed, And there's a bunch of butterflies not a pie in my stomach, Once in a while I keep a poker face, You couldn't make me break it if you sprayed it with mace, Once in a while I can't hold the laughs off and I roll on the floor LOL-ing my arse off, Once in a while I'm so inspired, though I know I'm tired I can't get to bed because my head's on fire, Once in a while I'm dry as a bone, out of the zone, Like I'm trying to squeeze blood out of a stone, Once in a while I'm paralysed by the size of it all, I'm so small, I'm surprised I'm surving at all, Once in a while I'm like a giant, defiant, king of the world, Arms stretched, all my fingers unfurled.
2.
Dinosaurs 03:51
So you wanna know about dinosaurs? Well that's fine, of course! I've got time to source My knowledge on the matter to you all, DINOSAURS ARE AWESOME! I'm not an expert; in truth I only saw some Pictures in a book, but I had a good look, I didn't bother with the words, so it probably only took three minutes, But despite the bits I missed I got the gist, Relax while my dinosaur facts attack you like a fist, About a hundred years ago, In the days of Jesus and Shakespeare and Moses, Dinosaurs roamed this planet with one cause… (What?) To walk around being dinosaurs, They first came to life when a Rhino and a Crocodile Became rife with the horn and had to cock, A while later when the baby was born do you know what they saw? A crocodinocerous; a dinocerous; A DINOSAUR! Before long it started to self-replicate, The rhino tried to stop it but by then it was too late, For soon there were hundreds and thousands and still more, Ready to bite and feed, fight and bleed and ROAR. So you wanna know about dinosaurs? Well that's fine, of course! I've got time to source My knowledge on the matter to you all, DINOSAURS ARE AWESOME! I'm not an expert; in truth I only saw some Pictures in a book, but I had a good look, I didn't bother with the words so it probably only took three minutes, But despite the bits I missed I got the gist, Relax while my dinosaur facts attack you like a fist, Focus while I talk about the diplodocus, Jokers laugh at its enormous neck, It's so big! Like a mile tall and a mile in length, With a hard head held up with incredible strength, Don't get in its way or even look it in the eye, Coz you'll receive a flippin' headbutt from a mile up in the sky! Whooosh! CRACK! Now you know the sorrow, That follows a beast that eats baguettes with one swallow, T-rex is next and it's coming to get ya, Hands outstretched steady and ready to molest ya, Ugly on the outside, worse within, With devious desires and a right pervy grin, Its mind's dirt, it flirts with skirt like desert, Or a young boy with a fun toy to hurt, But no matter how happy the horribly blue thought It can't clap with joy 'cause its arms are too short! So you wanna know about dinosaurs? Well that's fine, of course! I've got time to source My knowledge on the matter to you all, DINOSAURS ARE AWESOME! I'm not an expert; in truth I only saw some Pictures in a book, but I had a good look, I didn't bother with the words so it probably only took three minutes, But despite the bits I missed I got the gist, Relax while my dinosaur facts attack you like a fist Triceratops never stops terrorising, Three horns rising, very surprising! Chiding behinds in a furious frenzy, Tossing suckers up in the air, very offending, Pterodactyl acts all superior, Flying up above you, loves to sneer at ya, Silly head shaped like a crocodile clip, Perfect for picking up dropped fish and chips, Harrassing the tourists that walk on the pier, Wake you up too soon with a squawk in your ear, Hanging at the sea side, what are they doing? Just being mean jerks till your holiday's ruined. So you wanna know about dinosaurs? Well that's fine, of course! I've got time to source My knowledge on the matter to you all, DINOSAURS ARE AWESOME! I'm not an expert; in truth I only saw some Pictures in a book, but I had a good look, I didn't bother with the words so it probably only took three minutes, But despite the bits I missed I got the gist, Relax while my dinosaur facts attack you like a fist, ROAR! They're still alive you know... I've seen a film about it.
3.
A Fine Day 04:42
I open the curtains I've got no shirt on and no underwear, Barely woken up it's fairly early from what I'm aware of, My hair's messed up and my eyes are nearly shut, (tut tut) I tut twice because the bin men haven't turned up, I burn up vexed, and hex them and their nephews, 'Cause it's the third week in a row that they've refused to take my refuse, It's pretty chilly here at the window, There's a bunch of people pointing at me standing by the bins, Oh no! I'm feeling silly, it's very chilly, The bin men have arrived and they're all laughing at my willy, Oh no! I'm feeling silly, it's really very chilly, The bin men have arrived and they're all laughing at my willy, Later in the day I go to Sainsbury's for a shop, I haven't eaten so I'm beaten by the bargains and I can't stop, Placing every item in my basket as I'm pacing past it, Heavy and ready to spill, but still I add more, My arm's sore, it gives way and the food sprays on the floor, The sound is too loud for the surrounding crowd to ignore And from a distance the shop assistant's face falls, He prowls over frowning and scowling like he can taste balls, He rolls his eyes and crouches down to get the food, It was an accident man, what's with this arsey attitude? I decide to show him my arse's attitude instead, I bend down and then I start to fart on his head... I don't know what to do, it seems I've followed through, I did a diarrhea and I covered him with poo, I don't know what to do, it seems I've followed through, I did a diarrhea and I covered him in poo, I don't hang around to see if he found my joke funny, Cause it's the way you tell 'em that counts, and I told it all runny, Racing through the aisles, skid marks in my wake, The tell tell smell advertises my mistake, There's a cue for the toilets, but I'm already too late, These chaps crap politely but I make poo lakes In public, on a person, could the situation worsen? Maybe I should lie in the car park and get reversed onto, I run through town trousers brown and dripping, My shoes get wet too, and soon I get to slipping, And I trip on a lace, fly through the air with grace, I flail onto a railing, it impales me in the face, I trip on a lace, fly through the air with grace I flail onto a railing, it impales me in the face, My eyes water but I guess it ought to feel sore To have a spike sticking right through my lower jaw, I try and shout for help but it's difficult to speak With a massive bit of metal poking out of my cheek, My feet stamp, my fists clench, I feel a bit tense, With my face tear streaked, pierced by a flipping fence, A slack jawed audience has gathered round to watch, As a stray dog trots up and sniffs around my crotch, I try to shoo it off, but my eyes are out of whack, And I hit the bitch upside the head with quite a mighty smack, It flips out and bites tight, rips up my jeans, Tears my underwear to share my ballsack and my peen, And now I'm feeling silly, It's very chilly, The binmen have arrived and they're all laughing at my willy Oh no! I'm feeling silly, It's really very chilly, The binmen have arrived and they're all laughing at my willy. Oh it's a fine day, A fine day, It's a very fine day to be alive.
4.
Judo 03:42
Yo! I'm rollin' low with my boy bomo, Going to the dojo, fo' sho', to do judo, Kicks, flips and throws, your mind blows, it knows, It's witnessing fitness and quickness in limitless droves, Immense strength, intense pose, Bench press bus loads, Lengths of balancing on one toe with eyes closed, We're cyclones, side by side we fight foes, Psychos get a face full of fist, bite those White knuckles nose buckles and breaks, Vivid rivers deliver blood cells to red lakes, Tough justice, roughed up hustlers, Criminals damaged, capilleries busted, With minimal strain pain's a powerful defence, Say "KIAI!" And bow to the sensei... 'Cause we know judo - You! No grabbin' me, Attempts to defend will end in tragedy, Feel no pain, then again who's stabbin me, We know judo - You! No grabbin' me, Attempts to defend will end in tragedy, Feel no pain, then again who's stabbin me, Stop that you wombat, it's hand to hand combat! We go out at night time to fight crime, White suits, black belts, attacked yelps attract help, From a tag team in Daz cleaned apparel, We use up bleach each week by the barrel, 'Cause you gotta look sharp if your mind's a razor, Eyes like a hawk if hawks' eyes were lasers, Set to stun like Picard sets phazers, Nipple cripple shock, our knuckles are like tasers, You intimidate, but mate: it's worthless, You ain't half as hard as a tarmac surface, We'll take you down, and make you feel sore, How you gonna look tough when you're buffing the floor? Boo hoo! What's the matter? Don't cry! We're practically pacifists man; you're not gonna die, We taught you a message the way we meant to, By using your own brute strength against you, 'Cause we know judo - You! No grabbin' me, Attempts to defend will end in tragedy, Feel no pain, then again who's stabbin me, We know judo - You! No grabbin' me, Attempts to defend will end in tragedy, Feel no pain, then again who's stabbin me, Stop that you wombat, it's hand to hand combat! It takes mighty practice, We make it look effortless but in actual fact it's feigned, See we trained for years on a mattress, Misplaced backflips, cracked ribs and fat lips, Now we've mastered the art of defence, Will we kick your arse first or last? Well it depends, Can you give us a few pounds and fifty pence, See we need a night cap, fights make chaps tense, When we hit on the nights ninth ippon We gasp for a full wine glass to sip on, And get your bib on, it's gonna be large, And if the bar keep makes the fee no charge I'll have a glass of the pinot noir, Get me a glass of the pinot noir, Another glass of the pinot noir! Sleep, eat lunch have a coffee and we're off again, Yo! I'm rollin' low with my boy bomo, Going to the dojo, fo' sho', to do judo, Kicks, flips and throws, your mind blows, it knows, It's witnessing fitness and quickness in limitless droves, Immense strength, intense pose, Bench press bus loads, Lengths of balancing on one toe with eyes closed, We're cyclones, side by side we fight foes, Psychos get a face full of fist, bite those White knuckles nose buckles and breaks, Vivid rivers deliver blood cells to red lakes, Tough justice, roughed up hustlers, Criminals damaged, capilleries busted, With minimal strain pain's a powerful defence, Say "KIAI!" And bow to the sensei... 'Cause we know judo - You! No grabbin' me, Attempts to defend will end in tragedy, Feel no pain, then again who's stabbin me, We know judo - You! No grabbin' me, Attempts to defend will end in tragedy, Feel no pain, then again who's stabbin me, Stop that you wombat, it's hand to hand combat! Get on that hand to hand combat.
5.
Nightmares 04:55
I look down and my hand's all bubbling, Flesh drips, it's off putting and quite troubling, In a short while there's only bone left, I flex my fingers, the joints creak and groan, Next I freak out and scream 'cause my hand's in my face, It roots about, pulls a tooth out of place, And taps it on my forehead like "Ha! You're dead!" Plants it like a seed and the earth bleeds red, The colour spreads and out of the ground sprouts fingers, Skeletal limbs pointing to cumulonimbus Clouds up above that swoop down and shroud the ground like a glove, and the hands hound me, Shoving me, not lovingly, at the centre, I see a blood red vortex to enter, I try and make my way against the tide, Nice plan, but the hands wave goodbye, I'm sucked inside, My heart thuds as the mud packs my eyes, My mouth's wide in silent scream as I struggle, But I'm trapped in a dirt tomb's too tight cuddle, My ears tickle with the sound of miniature giggles, And the soil surrounding me is alive with wriggles, Infested with insects it dawns on me with horror, This creepy cavalcade has entered every orifice! Oh crap, I'm trapped inside of a nightmare, There's millipedes within me, giving me a right scare, I shout and scream out FOR GOD'S SAKE, STOP! But I can't wake up, The bugs in my brain start plugging my veins, And take control of my limbs, no struggling, shame, They make me dig deep like a dog for a bone, Bust through the Earth's crust to another time zone, I pop out covered in dirt and coal like a minor, Shocked, 'cause I've dug a hole right to China! In jest, the insects have a wicked idea, They make me find a Chinaman and spit in his ear, He turns around mad, I try to apologise, But I say "OH ME SO SOLLY!" and pull back on my eyes, His mouth gapes, his head shakes, but the bugs wont quit, They make me slap him round the face and say "CHINA'S SHIT MATE. GET ME SOME NOODLES!" And the man's face drops, He gets his camera phone and makes it take my mug shot, He puts it on the net and sends it out with one click, Now the whole world thinks I'm a racist prick! Oh crap, I'm trapped inside of a nightmare, There's millipedes within me, giving me a right scare, I shout and scream out FOR GOD'S SAKE, STOP! But I can't wake up.
6.
Let Go 03:23
It all just slips away from me, I wish I had not let go, Floating through eternity, Never ever gonna get back home, I thought it was a routine check, A slight blip in the signal So I nip out of my spaceship to fix it, My rocket's a bucket of rust, It just lost both wings in a solar wind gust, It should be in the throes of death but I know best, I can work with its quirks and keep it making progress, This mess of a vessel goes beep beep for nothing, I've spannered all the panels and it's all just puffing along, It's fine! So something's playing on my mind, The radar showed an invader but I just couldn't find it, Now I'm outside it's clear there's nothing near to justify it, My dear old rocket's got a sprocket loose I fear, I'm back at the hatch when something catches my eye, A dazzling orb of white light floats right by, I'm awe struck, which is poor luck 'cause I let go, And drift into space to face it, But I get no joy, just annoyed, I've been confused and led right Into the abyss by my ship's loose headlight, It all just slips away from me, I wish I had not let go, Floating through eternity, Never ever gonna get back home, I'm embarrassed, don't know how I managed it, What I thought was an angel was just a piece of my ship, Now I'm stuck in dark matter, my heart's in tatters, Forever doomed to the gloom to grow as mad as a hatter, I start to laugh as I stare into the void, 'Cause my ship gets hit by a bit of an asteroid, The impact's force changes the course of the flight, My little pocked rocket ship zips by on my right, I hold tight and breathe a sigh of relief, This event, though brief, quite beggars belief, I stop. Shocked. Right in front of my eyes Is a heavenly angel, what a glorious surprise! It's the real thing singing a beautiful song, At last I've seen what I've been seeking for so long, It beckons to me, and I let go without a word, But once it's occured the angel flips me the bird, It flashes a bent grin its intent's been rebutted, It flies off with my ship. I'm absolutely gutted. It all just slips away from me, I wish I had not let go, Floating through eternity, I'm never ever gonna get back home,
7.
The clouds lift from another brisk winter, Spring breeze blowing the leaves of trees, Daffodils, daisies growing at dawn, We're all mowing the lawn, We fall hazily into the summertime, Days are relays, we play the baton, Lazily carried on sun ray patterns, That dance through branches, And shimmer off rivers, Glimmers of hope are stoked so they stay with us, Bird song peppers the air like confetti, Straw hats, baseball bats, berets - ooh Betty! Lying on the grass bees pass me buzzing, Lay back, relax all day with no fussing, Grey skies stay by the wayside, good! I cheer, they appear here more than they should, Last summer was more under cloud than I reckoned, So this year, when it's clear, I won't miss a second, I'll just keep staring at the sun, And I won't blink until it's gone, I'll just keep staring at the sun, Staring at the sun, I won't blink until it's gone, Then I'll stare at the moon instead, When night falls it's alright 'cause it's nice still, In t-shirt and shorts - no chills, We cavort in fields and desert the cities, Beach barbecues, ah the food gets gritty, Play fine tunes while the moon shines on, Tight grooves, sweet moves, cheep booze, dutty wine on, We'll sit and chit chat while the embers are still warm, Heavy eyed philosophising until dawn, then, I'll just keep staring at the sun, And I won't blink until it's gone, I'll just keep staring at the sun, Staring at the sun, I won't blink until it's gone, Then I'll stare at the stars instead, I'll just keep staring at the sun, And I won't blink until it's gone, I'll just keep staring at the sun, Staring at the sun, I won't blink until it's gone, Then I'll stare out to space instead.
8.
I'm snooping around looking for chests of treasure, Exploring the area at my own leisure, I do it for business, I do it for pure pleasure, Get them gems and extend my ledger, Look under this hedge, I look under this rock, All the better to get at the treasure I never got, If you have any pots, I'll grab em and smash em to jots, Revealed your concealed goods and I'm nabbing the lot, Hoowee! Hot dang, what lovely thangs, Shiny gold coins and the diamond rangs, But if I can't kill these hunger pangs, That Faberge egg's gon' feel my fangs, I'm on a mission to get the loot, So hold on while I don my adventure suit, I'm so energised my eyes could electrocute, so let's go! I wanna get that gold, I wanna seize those rupees, I wanna get them gemstones, Try to find some nice diamonds, Yep, yep, yep, Yo I can be quite nice if the price is right, For a mighty sum I might become your white knight, With my armour shining, coz it's covered in diamonds, And I buff my helmet whenever I got time, And I'll take a quest if you make the best offer, But before I say yes place cheques in my coffer, It's not enough! Cough up you old guff, Get your nan's antiques, there's heaps of the stuff, And what what what what's in your pockets please, Turn them inside out so I can proper see your property, I'm not a mage, I'll make your wage disappear though, Hey, I ain't your hero if your bank's full of zeros, But if you got cash or a hot stash, I'll give it my top bash, I can be the top brass, Must dash, gotta smash pots, And hatch plots to snatch dosh, I wanna get that gold, I wanna seize those rupees, I wanna get them gemstones, Try to find some nice diamonds,
9.
Wildlife documentaries, Wildlife documentaries, I'm David Attenborough at another shoot, There's big cats and parrot chatter and adders and fruit bats, The truth matters but dramaticism matters more, Get things interesting lest the audience is getting bored, Wahoo! I adore this, I've seen more fish than most, And won a host of awards, It's a fine time having a job knobbing around in khaki shorts, Pitch a tent in them when I'm thinking a nasty thought, I get it caught on tape by mistake, Come on team, we've not been hours awake to get a close up of my trouser snake! Nuh uh, point the lens back down on the ground, I've found a small lizard, a green little wizard, Must be a magician coz he lives in a blizzard of sand, And survives, these animals' lives are fascinating, And that's great coz we're making, Wildlife documentaries, Wildlife documentaries, I crouch down to speak about insects, Inspect these bees to see if they're in sexual activity, Got no diggity, they love being filmed when they're getting all jiggity, But what's this, a boy bee on a boy bee? Well that's cool, I guess it doesn't really annoy me, But I'll be damned, the thought of two bees bumming... Uh oh, I think I feel a trouser tent coming! Let's move on quick and take a trip to the jungle, It's so hot here - sweat's dripping out my bung hole, Get me a hanky and give it a wipe, This animal life is tripe when your back pipe's ripe for mopping, No stopping me getting nomineed to be on the Beeb yapping on at thee, I'm an anomaly, I'm rocking 83, there's no hating me, I'm a loveable old man with fans chasing me, And they'll be placing me in a glass case when My heart's pace slows to standstill, Join the animal landfill at the natural history museum, The exhibit to visit in this enormous mausoleum, By the mating birds in a pose of glee, With two thumbs up and a bulge in my khakis, And the card reads "Brit of the century. He spent his life as it was meant to spent, making..." Wildlife documentaries, Wildlife documentaries,
10.
Brick Wall 03:05
The greedy dean had a big bag of gold, He'd never let go, no matter what he'd just hold on Tight with white knuckles, mean chuckles when he speaks, Belt buckle under strain, and a brain full of leaks, One day he found a well in the woods, It was a wishing well so he could tell the fishing would be good, The bottom of the well shimmered so bright, So he stretched out with all of his might to get a bite Further and further he inched, Within his reach each coin begging to be pinched, But he was heavy and his balance was rotten, So he fell in the well and landed at the bottom, Soaked and shocked he took stock of the place, Steep slimy walls and flies all in his face, He started picking up coins with pace but soon stopped 'Cause his bag of gold was still at the top! He said, I need to get out, and get out quick, But this brick wall in front of me is giving me jip, Every time I climb up I slip back down, And the wall is all around, Forlorn and worn out he cries help, And over the top wall peeks a cheeky elf, The dean says "Oi mate, can you chuck me that sack?" The elf grins and smirks "I could certainly do that, But if you let me take two coins you'll be gladder, Coz I'll run home and bring right back my best ladder Trust me, it'll get you out in a streak, And for an extra coin you can have it to keep" The dean screams "NO! Just throw me the bag!" He can't bear the thought of his swag being grabbed, The elf says "I'll ask you again just once," "Give me my coins!" comes the terse response, The elf shrugs and does just what he's told, Says "Your loss mate, my ladder's made of pure gold!" The dean shouts "Wait!" the elf says "Too late!" And skips through the trees leaving the dean in a state, saying, I need to get out, and get out quick, But this brick wall in front of me is giving me jip, Every time I climb up I slip back down, And the wall is all around.
11.
Alphabets 04:37
Let's just forget about these alphabets, And communicate a different way, 'Cause there's too much I can never say, When the words won't play, It's on the tip of my tongue, but my tongue's tied and I'm trying to get it undone, In parrot's eyes I'm paralysed, try as I might, I can't seem to say what I mean quite right, I mean what I say but it doesn't have the depth Of what's going on in my brain behind each breath, Concepts and complex ruminations, Transmit the gist, lose some in translation, If we have a heated debate use patience, You might be needed to wait While the point I'm making takes twice the lines, I say the word like like a billion times Like, you know, it's like, I mean, ugh! You know! (What?) God! I'm a hot rod but words serve to Slow down each thought like speed bumps, I need months to succeed once I start to speak, Let's just forget about these alphabets, And communicate a different way, 'Cause there's too much I can never say, When the words won't play, It seems like a lot of anguish is Caused by a conflict between languages, But it's just sandwiches: no matter how it's said, It's the same thing in the middle with different types of bread, Maybe bagels can feign a stature, Over the french stick, pitta bread and focaccia, Wholemeal loaf is most acclaimed, But whatever the bread's stead, it's still made of grain, In the main we're the same, but unique, you know? We bake different seeds but we all kneed dough, Maybe we should try a mind meld like vulcans, 'Cause now we might as well be the Incredible Hulk and yell HULK SHOULD SPEAK JUST TRUTH TO YOU, BUT GET TOO SCARED, GET TOO CONFUSED, SO HULK SMASH US ALL INTO TINY BITS, HULK MOSTLY GREEN, BUT YELLOW BELLIED AT THIS... Let's just forget about these alphabets, And communicate a different way, 'Cause there's too much I can never say, When the words won't play.

about

[A Fine Day and Wildlife Documentaries are free downloads.]

Here it is at long last, my debut L.P. !

It's a collection of raps I started writing when I graduated from university two years ago. It's been a bit of a headache to produce - teaching myself how to mix this kind of music well (or well enough, at least), and rerecording all the vocals because the first time I recorded them underneath a duvet and it sounded weird!

I hope you enjoy this album. Be sure to keep an eye on www.simonpanrucker.com for more stuff coming soon!

All the best,

Simon Panrucker

p.s. If you'd like to book me for a gig please email simon@simonpanrucker.com and we'll sort something out.

credits

released October 21, 2009

All tracks written, performed and produced by Simon Panrucker.

www.simonpanrucker.com

Cover photo taken by a humourless lady in a rush.

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Simon Panrucker Bristol, UK

Simon writes music for FUN (his and yours).

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